Impossibly Sad

I am overwhelmingly, seemingly unstoppably, impossibly sad.  I am lost.  Swimming in a sea of shame, of pain, of anguish, of despair.  I don’t even know how I got here.  But here I am.  Drowning, sinking, falling, crashing.  It all happened so fast.  Took me unawares & dragged me under before I had a chance to catch hold & now I am slipping & sliding, faster & faster towards the blackness.

There’s part of me that wants someone, anyone to notice.  For someone to reach out & throw me a lifeline.  To pull me back, to save me, to nurture me, to believe in me.  But no one does & I haven’t made it any easier by isolating myself so completely over the last few months.  I open my mouth to scream for help but nothing comes out & no one hears my cries.  Then there’s part of me that just wants to disappear, to slip into the blackness forever, to never feel the pain of rejection or abandonment or shame or loneliness again.  Because no one really cares.  And why should they.  They have their own families, their own lives, their own stuff to take care of.  I am not anyone else’s responsibility.  To them I am just another time drain on already over-loaded schedules.  No one cares how sad I am, and even if someone did, there’s is nothing they can do about it.

So {once again} it’s all down to me.  I need to save myself or let myself go.  I get to choose.  There is no one else I can rely on.  No one else to share my pain with.  No one who truly understands this hell I am swirling around in.

It’s a work day tomorrow.  I have to perform.  I need to go to bed so that I can shine in the morning .  So that I can act my way through another day as everyone else’s little ray of sunshine.  And yet here I sit.  Half-dazed, numb from the hours of crying, woozy from the booze, without enough energy or inertia to even get out of the chair.  Typing my random stream of consciousness across the white screen.  I can barely lift my fingers across the keys.  And no one cares.  No one even knows.  Sure, if I didn’t turn up tomorrow someone would eventually notice.  Someone would eventually text me or maybe even call.  It would be inconvenient if I didn’t show up.  That’s why they’d care….because stuff wasn’t getting done.  Then they’d give lip service to “people first” for a while to make me feel better, for just long enough to get my sorry ass back into the office.

I am so MAD with myself.  So FRUSTRATED.  So ANGRY.  Why can’t I just get on with life?  Why can’t I just snap out of it?  I can’t control these floods of emotion washing over me.  I don’t know where they come from or why they come so relentlessly.  I feel so out of control.  I just can’t escape.  The faster I run to break free into the sunlight the faster the fog engulfs me.  I am lost.  I am worn out.  I am impossibly sad.

ink