Why is life so painful? Does it really have to be that way?
|
For you, there’ll be no more crying, For you, the sun will be shining, And I feel that when I’m with you, It’s alright, I know it’s right
To you, I’ll give the world to you, I’ll never be cold ‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you, It’s alright, I know it’s right.
And the songbirds are singing, Like they know the score, And I love you, I love you, I love you, Like never before.
And I wish you all the love in the world, But most of all, I wish it from myself.
And the songbirds keep singing, Like they know the score, And I love you, I love you, I love you, Like never before, like never before. by ink no comments We’ll do it all We don’t need If I lay here I don’t quite know Those three words If I lay here Forget what we’re told Let’s waste time I need your grace If I lay here Forget what we’re told All that I am I don’t know where If I lay here by ink no comments You say you gotta go and find yourself {lyrics courtesy of David Cook}
by ink no comments If I could turn back time If I could turn back time If I could turn back time My world was shattered I was torn apart Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart You walked out that door I swore that I didn’t care But I lost everything darling then and there Too strong to tell you I was sorry Too proud to tell you I was wrong I know that I was blind, and ooh… Ooohh If I could turn back time If I could turn back time If I could turn back time ooh baby I didn’t really mean to hurt you I didn’t want to see you go I know I made you cry Ooohh If I could turn back time If I could find a way I’d take back those words that hurt you If I could reach the stars I’d give them all to you Then you’d love me, love me Like you used to do If I could turn back time (turn back time) If I could find a way (find a way) Then baby, maybe, maybe You’d stay Reach the stars If I could reach the stars {lyrics courtesy of Cher} by ink no comments Ah B, B, B… My life: exciting and full, yes. I would also add dramatic, complicated, painful & not a lot at all like I imagined it would be. Where ARE those roses that were supposed to be around my door? Who knew that at 4o-something I’d be living where I am in a ridiculously large house for one human, a herd of cats & more than 1 car, photographing stuff & writing blogs read by people all over the planet while also holding down a day job? Who knew I’d have been divorced quite so many times (WTF?!) & not have created another human being? I mean. Who knew?? When I built my other website a few months back I thought a lot about the people without whom that site would likely not exist. You were a hugely pivotal person in my life, although you may not have realized that or felt like it at the time. You absolutely changed the course of my future & I am certain that a lot of the things that I have done, I would not have, without your influence. For that I am enormously grateful. I never imagined that we would ever reconnect or that you would ever see my site, but I wanted to acknowledge your influence in my life anyway. It is just the right thing to do. All my memories of you are fond. There was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. Except, well…me. I spent 40 odd years being emotionally deranged (Thanks Mum! Thanks Dad!). You tried everything that you could but I steadfastly (albeit unconsciously) refused wholeheartedly any attempt by anyone normal to love me. Then, one day, I finally got it. Consequently I divorced my abusive husband & have been single for the last several years. I suspect I shall remain so for the rest of my days, since, as everyone knows, by the time you get to your forties…all the good ones are either married or gay :-) Funny that. When I finally reach the point where I can accept love, there ain’t anyone there. Ah, the ups & the downs of this humaness :-) I am alternately bummed & happy about it. There’s a ton of upside to being single: I regularly pack up the truck & drive off into the sunset, or sunrise, and photograph & write & think & don’t talk to another soul for a week or two or 10 days. Not something that would work at all well in most relationships. I get to do exactly what I want to do, when & how I want to do it. After 40 odd years of trying to make all of the broken people in my life happy, I admit I am hugely enjoying doing whatever the heck I want without being criticized, shamed or beaten up for it. I have made an inordinate amount of mistakes in my life. Lately I’ve been looking back at it all quite a bit. Ok, a lot. Probably due to my impending surgery. They’re taking my {body part} out?? OMG. When did I get old??? I have been thinking about some of the things that I wanted but never had & likely now never will. And I thought about all the things I would do differently if I had the chance. Except a lot of chances are now long gone. I realized that I have a lot of regret. You are one of the biggest regrets. No, not that you were IN my life. That I pushed you OUT of my life. For you, I am happy that you escaped me – you missed a bullet on that one! :-) I am thrilled that you are happily doing what you love, where you love with someone you love. That is awesome. You deserve that & I am beyond happy that you got it. 95% of the time I am absurdly happy with my current life. It’s a good life. It’s a blessed life. It’s a fulfilled life. Just every now and again I recognize the downsides: no one special person to share it with; not having anyone to spoil; not being #1 on anyone’s list – ever (+ no sex!!) and I feel sad. Mercy. This turned out way longer than anticipated. You probably need a {very} large glass of wine now :-) Me? I have blogs to write & ice cream to make & tarts to create. I have animals to feed & a truck to pack (L O N G road-trip for Christmas – woohoo!) & photographs to take. I’ll blog about it all so you can follow along from the safety of 5000 miles away. Your house looks amazing. And SO B. ink by ink no comments You can go And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out Now we wait And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out I don’t wanna wait ‘Cuz maybe someday we’ll figure all this out ‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice ‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice {lyrics courtesy of Rob Thomas}
by ink no comments I’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears You used to captivate me by your resonating light These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears by ink no comments G, I am truly sorry to leave you without warning & without having someone ready to step in & take over the management of your work life. You don’t deserve to be abandoned, especially with all that is going on. But I also know that within a week you’ll be re-situated on the support front and all will be well. It will be as if I was never there in the first place (although you may well miss my ice cream for a little while). You have been an outstanding boss & an amazing person to work with & to be around. I thank you, with all of my heart, for all that you have done for me, especially for the time that you allowed me to have, without any thought for yourself…. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ C, I love you. You never really knew me & when you grow up you won’t remember me at all. But I was there for a little while loving you with everything that I had. Always know that you are of infinite worth & value. You are a truly special human being & have been blessed with a great start in life: loving, intelligent & wealthy parents who want nothing more than to help you be the best that you can be in this life. I wish that I could fast forward to see you as you will be…. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ E, I love you so much. You never knew me at all, but that doesn’t stop me from loving you with every fibre of my being. I SO wanted to meet you in person..to hold you…to cherish you…to love you…so that you knew that no matter what you did & no matter how anyone else ever treated you, you were of infinite worth & value. I am sorry that I couldn’t make it that far. I just ran out of steam to keep going…. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eddie, I don’t know what to say to you right now. I have failed you, although I am sure you don’t see it that way. I can imagine how angry you are with me & I am sorry for that. I am almost sad I am not there to see it in person. Your anger always brought me to my senses. You know me better than anyone else on the planet. You understand me better than anyone else ever has or ever will. But, in the end, being understood & being heard just wasn’t quite enough, although for a long while it helped me more than you can know. Funny how it was writing your note that made the tears come. I have never written notes before & it’s harder than I thought it would be. Funny how even at the end I still feel compelled to try & leave some kind of mark on the world, even if it is only black type on a white page. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ M, You’ll be really angry, I can hear it now. But even with all your training you never really understood, although you tried hard in the last couple of years…. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Harriett, You will never read this, but I know that if you did you would be boiling mad & incredibly sad all at the same time. You have been my rock & I love you. Don’t let the bastards get you down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Mother, Your legacy. Enjoy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Father, We are so alike & yet SO different, but in the end you beat me because you kept going & I just gave up. Not for want of trying, but the trying means nothing anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bishop, I don’t know what to say to you. You tried SO hard but you never got it. None of this is your fault, none of this is your doing, none of this is anything to do with anyone except me. My choice, my consequences. You will be rewarded for your efforts. I truly THANK YOU for all your time & effort & love – it wasn’t wasted, although it might feel like that to you right now. You just couldn’t get your head around it all. You don’t believe in depression & that made it really hard for both of us, since you just couldn’t support me. At the end you thought I was just being dramatic, when in reality I was in an incredible amount of very real emotional pain that I had no control over. You just didn’t get it. I hope that you never experience it for yourself. Like I said in my last email to you…”The day you start to take me seriously will be a day too late.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ by ink no comments There’s a long hard road ahead And when in this life, in this life Here I could stay but I’ll keep moving on There’s a long hard road ahead
{lyrics courtesy of Sade Adu} by ink no comments ink: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha JB: been @ convention getaway. what was so funny? ink: Silly old BBF JB: did you fix it?? ink: F fixed it JB: i love f. did he have 2 force u or did u finally come 2 senses and have it checked? ink: Doc called (funny that). It hadn’t occurred to me it was bbf because none of the physical stuff had gone haywire. Doc suggested i do an emotional bbf fix. Now i wish i had thought of it a month ago when things started crashing in JB: i suggested it – but thats when u were hateful and prob dont remem. i was prayin doc would call cuz u would listen 2 him :) lords lookin out 4 u ink: When was I hateful????? JB: cutting me off. pretending u have 2 go. never calling back. removing ur name – that kind of hateful stuff ink: Wow. Well OK then. Hateful it is. JB: ok. hateful is 2 strong. rude is better. still love u tho Well, JB the feeling is no longer mutual. Who are you to judge me? And hear this – you were wrong on all counts except one. And you call ME hateful? Oh there’s so much irony in that isn’t there. Just get over yourself. I don’t need a relationship with someone like you. I don’t need to be judged by anyone when I crash into a depression that I have no control over, but especially not by you. I don’t need to hear all your self-righteous crap that you made up in your head about me & then slung at me calling it truth. Just get over yourself. Remind me to tell my boss when he calls me during work hours that I can’t take his call if my precious “friend” is on the phone. How dare you tell me I was pretending that I had to go. I WORK. 60 hours a week. Sorry if that conflicts with your schedule. And then, YOU don’t respond to me for several days, but that’s OK because you were busy. OK. I get it. That conflicted with your schedule too. And when, exactly, did I cut you off? I text you late that same night to apologize for not being able to call you back. And I quote: Sorry…mad day…just got home…exhausted…going to bed. xx And then again a few days later I text: That wasn’t don’t call me ever…just not today. To which you replied: i know :) So now where the hell do you get off on accusing me of “cutting you off” or “never calling back”? “did he have 2 force u or did u finally come 2 senses”? I hope you never suffer from depression. I hope you never know what it’s like to go through the last 6 weeks that I have. And if you do, I hope you’re lucky enough to be surrounded by loving, compassionate people. You could learn a lot from them. Did you ever even consider what I might be going through? Of course not you selfish bitch. Truly, it’s really not all about you you know. And I love that last bit: “still love u tho”. What am I…some kind of dog that needs a bone thrown at it every now & then to keep it coming back? It’s comforting to know you’ll lower yourself to keeping me around even though I am so “hateful”. Newsflash: I don’t need your patronization or your bones. Get over yourself. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when you explain THIS to the kids: Kids: Why doesn’t ink come to see us anymore? Why don’t we hear from ink anymore? JB: Oh because I was really nasty to ink when ink was having a really difficult time & I am too prideful to apologize so ink doesn’t want to be around me now. Except that’s a bit too HONEST for you isn’t it. I can imagine it going more like this: Kids: Why doesn’t ink come to see us anymore? Why don’t we hear from ink anymore? JB: Oh ink is being hateful because ink is depressed & when I told ink so ink didn’t like it, so now ink is ignoring us. In the hateful / rudeness stakes I clearly have a long way to go before I’ll ever even get close to you. ink
by ink no comments I’ve lost the use of my heart I’ve been torn up inside I am lost but I don’t doubt
{lyrics courtesy of sade adu} by ink no comments I am overwhelmingly, seemingly unstoppably, impossibly sad. I am lost. Swimming in a sea of shame, of pain, of anguish, of despair. I don’t even know how I got here. But here I am. Drowning, sinking, falling, crashing. It all happened so fast. Took me unawares & dragged me under before I had a chance to catch hold & now I am slipping & sliding, faster & faster towards the blackness. There’s part of me that wants someone, anyone to notice. For someone to reach out & throw me a lifeline. To pull me back, to save me, to nurture me, to believe in me. But no one does & I haven’t made it any easier by isolating myself so completely over the last few months. I open my mouth to scream for help but nothing comes out & no one hears my cries. Then there’s part of me that just wants to disappear, to slip into the blackness forever, to never feel the pain of rejection or abandonment or shame or loneliness again. Because no one really cares. And why should they. They have their own families, their own lives, their own stuff to take care of. I am not anyone else’s responsibility. To them I am just another time drain on already over-loaded schedules. No one cares how sad I am, and even if someone did, there’s is nothing they can do about it. So {once again} it’s all down to me. I need to save myself or let myself go. I get to choose. There is no one else I can rely on. No one else to share my pain with. No one who truly understands this hell I am swirling around in. It’s a work day tomorrow. I have to perform. I need to go to bed so that I can shine in the morning . So that I can act my way through another day as everyone else’s little ray of sunshine. And yet here I sit. Half-dazed, numb from the hours of crying, woozy from the booze, without enough energy or inertia to even get out of the chair. Typing my random stream of consciousness across the white screen. I can barely lift my fingers across the keys. And no one cares. No one even knows. Sure, if I didn’t turn up tomorrow someone would eventually notice. Someone would eventually text me or maybe even call. It would be inconvenient if I didn’t show up. That’s why they’d care….because stuff wasn’t getting done. Then they’d give lip service to “people first” for a while to make me feel better, for just long enough to get my sorry ass back into the office. I am so MAD with myself. So FRUSTRATED. So ANGRY. Why can’t I just get on with life? Why can’t I just snap out of it? I can’t control these floods of emotion washing over me. I don’t know where they come from or why they come so relentlessly. I feel so out of control. I just can’t escape. The faster I run to break free into the sunlight the faster the fog engulfs me. I am lost. I am worn out. I am impossibly sad. ink
by ink 2 comments Wonderful ..thanks a lot for posting Sorry for my bad english. Thank you so much for your good post. Your post helped me. If you can provide me more details please email me. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK. I am so fucking angry. I want to just drink this whole bottle of liquor & be done with it. I’ve never been good enough & I never will be. Fuck you all. Just fuck off & leave me alone. None of you care, except as it suits your own purposes. Just fuck off. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. ink
by ink no comments I cannot remember a time when I felt this utterly nothing. I am absolutely exhausted, yet sleeping doesn’t really come without a drop of alcohol to get me there. Even an alcohol-induced long, deep sleep leaves me feeling no less exhausted in the morning than I did when I plopped into bed the night before. Getting out of bed is almost impossible I am so tired. That’s how I know this is depression – this is just not normal. I don’t know what’s happening to me. 6 weeks ago I was euphoric…about me, about work, about the future, about my direction, about LIFE. And it had been that way for 9 months or so. Then I could feel the depression slowly seeping into the edges of my consciousness, like day turns into dusk. I went straight to see Eddie, wanting to nip whatever it was in the bud. After a couple of sessions I was euphoric again, even more so. Yet here I am just another 3 weeks later & now my greatest dream (& biggest fear) is that I am going to lay down on the sofa with my cat, drift off to sleep & only one of us will wake up again. The cat. I am sitting at my desk truly struggling to stay here & type. I feel like I have been up for days. My eyes feel like lead; like they are going to simply topple out of their sockets & plop onto the desk. Keeping my eyelids open is work. And yet, just 2 hours ago I woke up from a 1 hour nap…a nap in the middle of the day. The only reason that I got up from that nap was because I couldn’t get back to sleep, & lying there being exhausted but being awake was driving me insane. The last time I felt this exhausted but unable to sleep was years back when the doctor put me on an anti-depressant which caused me to have round-the-clock panic attacks. I seriously thought I was losing my mind during that 6 weeks. I am as close to that feeling now as I have ever felt, except I haven’t taken any anti-depressant medication for years. Back then I simply stopped taking the anti-depressants & within 3 days I was sleeping like a baby & my world turned right-side-up again. This time I just don’t know what the hell is causing me to feel this way. And the not knowing is making me crazy. How can I fix what I don’t know? What do I do with this nothingness? Do I just sit with it, somehow drag myself through it & it will pass? I am sitting here almost in tears from the sheer exhaustion of it all. It’s only 4:25 pm. There’s HOURS to go before bedtime when the delicious unconsciousness will come for a few hours at least. I have so much to do, yet I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to do any of it. I just want to sleep. Sleep. Sleep. The other night as I was lying in bed unable to sleep, tears streaming silently down my face I remember thinking how sad it would be if this is how it all ended: a depressed drunk. After battling all these years, having worked so hard to overcome my struggles, having been blessed with so many good things in life, if it just all drifted away into nothing because I’ve just simply run out of steam. Because I just can’t take one more minute of pain, because I am just too exhausted – emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually – to take even one more step. ink by ink no comments Alone in this house again tonight I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show Would it help if I turned a sad song on I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show Just enough to let the tears flow freely. Tears & more tears. Tears & more tears sliding silently down my face. A sense of loss so great I feel like my soul is drifting away, floating outside of me, slowly losing consciousness. I feel so lost. So disconnected. So empty. Wanting to fill the void but not knowing what is missing. Not knowing how the void came to be. It feels like it has always been there. I remember feeling like this when I was a little girl, although not so intense. Always alone, even when I was with people. The void was always there, even though I didn’t acknowledge it or didn’t recognise it or just ignored it. I just don’t know what to do. I want to let myself just drift away so I don’t have to feel the pain or think about it any more. I just want to be free. Free of pain, free of this sense of loss, free of this emptiness. But as the days go by I feel more and more like I want to just let myself drift away, go with the flow to wherever that may be instead of struggling & fighting to work it out. And still waiting for the pain to end. ink {lyrics courtesy of keith urban} by ink no comments I want a drink. For the last few days I’ve wanted a drink. Not wanted to get drunk, I just wanted one drink, just to take the edge off. I am exhausted, but I can’t sleep. It feels like a drink would just ease me into relaxation that would lead to sleep. Or am I just in denial about that? Ha, wouldn’t be the first time now would it. It feels like one drink wouldn’t hurt. I can almost feel the sedation effect trickling through my veins & spreading around my body just thinking about it. Mmmmmmm. Lovely! Then I remember what happened last summer when I went on a bit of a bender for 10 days or so. That was really bad. It could have gone either way. Thankfully I chose to stop before it was too late. But this is different. I was in a really bad place last summer & I wasn’t drinking to just relax & get to sleep…I was drinking to make the pain stop & turn my brain off. I was drinking to drown. I am not in a bad place now. I am just tired & I just want to relax. So this is different. Right? ink by ink no comments I am depressed. It is starting to get really annoying. REALLY annoying. I don’t want to be depressed any more. I don’t want to feel this way any more. The last 10 months have been the happiest that I have ever known. For the first time I feel like I am truly being ME. That I can be ME and it’s OK. And yet, here I am depressed…again. It’s depressing. I know I am depressed because all I want to do is sleep. I eat, I nap, I write, I watch a movie, I cry, I go to bed. 3 days in a row, 2 weekends in a row. Movies have become my ‘drug’ of choice right now. Since alcohol, drugs, sex & gambling are all off the table, video games bore me rigid & pornography disgusts me…I have to have something to dull the pain & pass the time. Movies do the trick for a couple of hours at a time & RedBox makes it soooooo easy. A vice that is non-addictive, non-harmful & cheap as chips. Perfect. Except that movies make me think, when precisely what I don’t want to do is think. Still, I have yet to find ANYTHING that stops me thinking. Alcohol certainly never worked. I get so frustrated because there is so much that I want to do, but I can’t get up the inertia to DO it. All I want to do is sleep. But what is most frustrating is that this time, I don’t know WHY I am depressed. There is just this huge nothingness. How can I fix nothing? How can I fix what I don’t know? Am I lonely? No, I don’t think so. I like being on my own. Often when I have made plans to do something with someone I spend the drive there hoping that they will cancel or just not show up. I always enjoy my time with them in the moment, I just never prolong the moment; and I am somehow just more comfortable on my own. I have zero desire to have an intimate relationship with any man. OK, that’s not entirely true. There are a couple of men that I could imagine having a wonderful relationship with, but they are not available for one reason or another, so I just don’t think about it. Outside of that, I have zero desire to have an intimate relationship with any man. I am entirely happy being with me. Just me. So what is this nothingness? I am starting to get mad. This depression is so *depressing*. ink by ink 2 comments Good dispatch and this mail helped me a lot in my college assignment. Saying thank you for seeking your information. Maybe you have a beautiful voice that needs to be heard. |
|
by ink
no comments